When Divorced Parents Do Not Communicate


The divorce was ordered 8 years ago. Both parents are co-holders of parental responsibilities and rights. Parent A had primary care/Residency of the children (11 and 8) and the standard visitation schedule was in place. Parent A refused to communicate with parent B and frustrated/refused contact as far as possible. Systematic bad-mouthing from parent B (through the children) towards parent A was a daily occurrence.

The children

The 8 year old struggled, as many little people do, to communicate using a phone or Skype and therefore had very little contact with parent B for more than 4 years. The constant negative statements made by parent A towards parent B, completely confused the 8 year old’s loyalty towards both parents. When thinking about the parents, the child stated: “I do not know who I can trust anymore.” Although many other factors may be involved, the child ended up with suicidal thoughts and an actual attempt.

The 11 year old child did whatever possible to keep daily contact with parent B, at minimum just a text message. This was done without parent A’s knowledge, because “the children were not allowed to have contact with parent B.” The child “designed” a reality in an attempt to “survive” this situation, with reality often being twisted and blown out of proportion.

I am a mediator not a psychologist, but it does not take a PhD to realise the life-long challenges both children will face because of the above.

When divorced parents do not communicate

Children of all ages are great manipulators.

  1. When divorced parents do not communicate, the children have a field day because no information can be verified. Also remember that a child might say “my parent slaps me when…” – this might not be an actual physical event, but in the child’s reality, it is a very real event with dire, long-term emotional damage to the child.
  2. As mentioned in point 1, the children experience their (version) of reality. They will then relate their reality to parent B. Parent B will, being the other co-holder and caring parent, act in “adult reality” on the information received from a child.

The reality of no-communication (some examples)

  1. Parent B will then react by sending parent A constant emails, WhatsApp messages and in this case, without any response – or clarity – from parent A.
  2. Parent B will approach the Court or lay changes at the SAPS.
  3. Parent A, ironically, becomes increasingly irate with parent B for “trying to control” parent A’s parenting style and/or household, and so this situation escalates.
  4. Parent A takes out a restraining order against parent B.
  5. Parent B stops maintenance payments, parent A frustrates contact and so the children keep suffering the consequences of the divorce cycle between mom and dad.

Parent B in this case, eventually approached the High court and the court removed primary residency from parent A with immediate effect.

But is the problem now fixed?

After the court removed primary care from parent A:

  1. The challenging post-divorce environment was further aggravated by the court’s ruling. Parent A is now even much less inclined to co-hold with parent B.
  2. Legal fees incurred: more than R100 000 – who will now pay the school fees?
  3. Although the children are now in a “better environment”, the parents still do not communicate.
  4. After yet another investigation, the children’s reality include that they are the cause of the conflict between the parents.
  5. The children, in their reality, now ask why parent A “did all of this to us”, and “Why did parent B lie to us about parent B?”
  6. In short: The children miss their other parent!

So why do we get so stuck in our emotional issues? 

Yes, the relationship did not work out. Yes, the other parent did unthinkable things to me during our marriage. Yes, I am now worse off financially and struggling to survive.  Is the bottom line not that whatever the reasons for our breakup might be, it has nothing to do with our children? Divorce is an adult issue and many remedies are available to us as parents.  As hard as it might be, accept that it is one of your parental responsibilities to find ways to make yourself OK so that both parents can co-parent beautiful healthy children.

Available remedies

Mediation  | Parenting Plans | Therapy

Please follow and like us:

76 thoughts on “When Divorced Parents Do Not Communicate

  1. I just want to say I am just very new to blogging and seriously savored you’re web page. Almost certainly I’m likely to bookmark your website . You certainly have good well written articles. Regards for sharing your website.

  2. Hey would you mind sharing which blog platform you’re working with? I’m looking to start my own blog in the near future but I’m having a hard time selecting between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and Drupal. The reason I ask is because your layout seems different then most blogs and I’m looking for something completely unique. P.S Apologies for getting off-topic but I had to ask!

  3. My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find the majority of your post’s to be what precisely I’m looking for. Do you offer guest writers to write content available for you? I wouldn’t mind composing a post or elaborating on a few of the subjects you write about here. Again, awesome website!

  4. What information technologies could we use to make it easier to keep track of when new blog posts were made and which blog posts we had read and which we haven’t read? Please be precise.

  5. What I wouldnt give to have a debate with you about this. You just say so many things that come from nowhere that Im fairly positive Id have a fair shot. Your blog is terrific visually, I mean people wont be bored. But others who can see past the videos and the layout wont be so impressed with your generic understanding of this subject.

  6. Usually I do not learn post on blogs, however I would like to say that this write-up very pressured me to take a look
    at and do so! Your writing style has been amazed me.
    Thanks, quite nice article.

  7. I intend to begin a blog site where I can talk to individuals and also have them respond to my blogs. Not myspace or facebook. I tried blog writer but the only blog sites I might locate had to do with international warming and weapons. I desire some where that I can open up an account as well as claim what I feel and people reply to my blog sites and I can respond to theres. If any individual could assist me that would be great!.

  8. Someone essentially lend a hand to make severely posts I would state.
    That is the very first time I frequented your website page and to this point?
    I surprised with the research you made to create this particular post incredible.
    Fantastic job!

  9. I’m extremely impressed with your writing skills as
    well as with the layout on your blog. Is this a paid theme or did you modify it yourself?
    Either way keep up the nice quality writing, it is rare to see a great blog
    like this one these days.

  10. Thanks for any other excellent post. The place
    else may just anybody get that type of info in such a perfect
    means of writing? I have a presentation next week, and I’m on the search for such info.

  11. I would actually love to make a blog site however. I’m not sure what sort of blog sites obtain the most traffic? What sort of blogs do you browse? I mostly browse image blogs and also fashion blog sites. Just obtaining a poll here thanks!.

  12. you’re really a good webmaster. The website loading velocity is incredible.

    It sort of feels that you’re doing any unique trick.
    Moreover, The contents are masterpiece. you have performed a excellent activity in this matter!

  13. Hello! I simply would like to offer you a huge thumbs up
    for the excellent info you’ve got right here on this post. I’ll be coming back to your site for more soon.

  14. When I originally commented I seem to have clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox
    and from now on whenever a comment is added I recieve four emails
    with the exact same comment. Is there a means you can remove me from that service?
    Thank you!

  15. I’m really impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout on your
    weblog. Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself?
    Either way keep up the excellent quality writing, it’s rare to see a nice blog like this one these days.

  16. Excellent weblog right here! Additionally your web site a lot up very fast!
    What web host are you the use of? Can I get your associate
    link for your host? I wish my website loaded up as
    fast as yours lol

  17. An intriguing discussion is worth comment. I do believe that you should write more on this subject matter, it may not be a taboo matter but generally people do not talk about such issues.
    To the next! Best wishes!!

  18. I used to be recommended this blog through my cousin. I am not positive whether
    or not this submit is written by him as nobody else understand such specific approximately my
    problem. You are wonderful! Thank you!

  19. Greetings! I’ve been reading your site for a long
    time now and finally got the courage to go ahead
    and give you a shout out from Atascocita Texas!
    Just wanted to mention keep up the fantastic job!

  20. Please let me know if you’re looking for a writer for your weblog.
    You have some really great posts and I think I would be a good asset.

    If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d love to write some material
    for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine.
    Please send me an e-mail if interested. Cheers!

  21. Hello There. I found your blog using msn. This is a really well written article.
    I will be sure to bookmark it and come back to read more of your useful information. Thanks for
    the post. I will certainly return.

  22. We’re a gaggle of volunteers and starting a brand new scheme in our
    community. Your web site provided us with valuable information to work on. You have done an impressive job and our whole group shall be grateful to you.

  23. Oh my goodness! Awesome article dude! Many thanks, However
    I am going through problems with your RSS. I don’t understand why I can’t
    subscribe to it. Is there anybody else getting identical
    RSS issues? Anybody who knows the answer will you kindly respond?

  24. Hi there just wanted to give you a brief heads up
    and let you know a few of the pictures aren’t loading properly.
    I’m not sure why but I think its a linking
    issue. I’ve tried it in two different web browsers and both show the
    same outcome.

  25. My developer is trying to convince me to move to .net from PHP.
    I have always disliked the idea because of the costs. But he’s tryiong
    none the less. I’ve been using Movable-type on numerous websites for about a
    year and am anxious about switching to another platform.

    I have heard great things about blogengine.net.

    Is there a way I can transfer all my wordpress content into it?
    Any help would be really appreciated!

  26. Thank you, I have recently been looking for information approximately this
    subject for a while and yours is the best I’ve found out so far.
    However, what in regards to the conclusion? Are you sure in regards to the source?

  27. What i don’t understood is in truth how you are no longer actually much more well-appreciated than you might be now.
    You’re very intelligent. You realize thus considerably in relation to this
    subject, made me in my view consider it from a lot of
    varied angles. Its like men and women are not interested except it is
    something to do with Woman gaga! Your personal stuffs
    nice. Always deal with it up!

  28. Hello there, I discovered your website by way of
    Google at the same time as searching for a related
    subject, your website got here up, it seems great.
    I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.
    Hello there, simply was alert to your blog thru Google,
    and located that it’s really informative. I am gonna
    watch out for brussels. I’ll appreciate when you continue this in future.
    Lots of folks will be benefited out of your writing. Cheers!

  29. Hello would you mind letting me know which webhost you’re utilizing?
    I’ve loaded your blog in 3 different web browsers and I must say this blog
    loads a lot quicker then most. Can you suggest a good internet hosting provider at a reasonable price?

    Thanks, I appreciate it!

  30. Hi, i read your blog from time to time and i own a similar one and i was
    just wondering if you get a lot of spam remarks? If so how
    do you stop it, any plugin or anything you can advise?
    I get so much lately it’s driving me insane
    so any assistance is very much appreciated.

  31. Somebody essentially assist to make severely posts I’d state.
    That is the first time I frequented your web
    page and thus far? I surprised with the research you made to create this particular put up extraordinary.

    Great task!

  32. Attractive component to content. I just stumbled upon your
    weblog and in accession capital to claim that I acquire actually enjoyed account
    your blog posts. Anyway I’ll be subscribing for
    your feeds or even I fulfillment you get right of entry to consistently rapidly.

  33. What i don’t realize is if truth be told how you are not really much more
    neatly-preferred than you might be right now. You are very intelligent.
    You recognize therefore significantly relating to
    this subject, produced me personally imagine it from numerous varied angles.
    Its like men and women aren’t fascinated unless it’s one thing to do with Girl gaga!
    Your own stuffs outstanding. Always care for it up!

  34. It’s actually very complicated in this busy life to listen news on TV, therefore I simply use
    web for that reason, and obtain the hottest information.

  35. Wow that was unusual. I just wrote an extremely long comment but after I clicked submit my
    comment didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing
    all that over again. Anyhow, just wanted to say fantastic blog!

  36. An interesting discussion is definitely worth comment.
    I do think that you need to write more on this subject, it might not
    be a taboo matter but typically folks don’t speak about these issues.
    To the next! Cheers!!

  37. May I just say what a comfort to discover someone that genuinely understands what they are talking about over
    the internet. You definitely realize how to bring
    an issue to light and make it important. More and
    more people must look at this and understand this side of your story.
    It’s surprising you are not more popular because you most certainly possess the gift.

  38. It is appropriate time to make some plans for the future and it
    is time to be happy. I have read this post and if I could I desire to suggest you
    some interesting things or advice. Perhaps you could write next
    articles referring to this article. I desire to read even more things about it!

  39. Hey there I am so happy I found your blog page, I really found you by mistake, while I
    was looking on Digg for something else, Anyhow I am
    here now and would just like to say cheers for a remarkable
    post and a all round exciting blog (I also love the theme/design),
    I don’t have time to go through it all at the moment but I have bookmarked it and also included your RSS feeds,
    so when I have time I will be back to read a great deal more, Please
    do keep up the superb job.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *